Capital One

Every time I get an e-mail, text, or do anything that involves Capital One, I’m asked the same stupid question: “What’s in your wallet?”, and my answer’s always the same. Nothing goddammit! Just the same lint that’s been there the past seven years. You know this! I bank with you. You know I don’t have any money, and you rub my face in it whenever we meet. And it’s really none of your fucking business what’s going on in my wallet–unless it involves your bank. Change your slogan, here are some that I painstakingly crafted for you, on me–no charge: What’s in your Anus? What’s dissolving in your cocktail? What’s in the freezer you keep locked? Great slogans that don’t bring to mind the dust-bowl in my wallet, and guaranteed to produce better answers than: nothing, beer money, and debt.

 

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