Genesis 2:4-3:24 KJV

The Story of Eve and Adam

These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the Lord God made the earth and the heavens,
And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the Lord God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a woman to till the ground.
But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground.
And the Lord God formed woman of the dust of the ground, and breathed into her nostrils the breath of life; and woman became a living soul.
And the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the woman whom he had formed.
And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
10 And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.
11 The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold;
12 And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone.
13 And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia.
14 And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.
15 And the Lord God took the woman, and put her into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.
16 And the Lord God commanded the woman, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
18 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the woman should be alone; I will make her an help meet for her.
19 And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Eve to see what she would call them: and whatsoever Eve called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
20 And Eve gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Eve there was not found an help meet for her.
21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Eve, and she slept: and he took one of her ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
22 And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from woman, made he a man, and brought him unto the woman.
23 And Eve said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: he shall be called man, because he was taken out of Woman.
24 Therefore shall a woman leave her mother and her father, and shall cleave unto her husband: and they shall be one flesh.
25 And they were both naked, the woman and her husband, and were not ashamed.

Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the man, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

And the man said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:
But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
And the serpent said unto the man, Ye shall not surely die:
For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
And when the man saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, he took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto his wife and with him; and she did eat.
And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.
And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Eve and her husband hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.
And the Lord God called unto Eve, and said unto her, Where art thou?
10 And she said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
11 And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
12 And the woman said, The man whom thou gavest to be with me, he gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
13 And the Lord God said unto the man, What is this that thou hast done? And the man said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
14 And the Lord God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
15 And I will put enmity between thee and the man, and between thy seed and his seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
16 Unto the man he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy wife, and she shall rule over thee.
17 And unto Eve he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy husband, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;
18 Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;
19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
20 And Eve called her husband’s name Adam; because he was the father of all living.
21 Unto Eve also and to her husband did the Lord God make coats of skins, and clothed them.
22 And the Lord God said, Behold, the woman is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest she put forth her hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
23 Therefore the Lord God sent her forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence she was taken.
24 So he drove out the woman; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

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Song of Solomon

The song of songs, which is Solomon’s.

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine😚😉.
Because of the savour of thy good ointments😉 thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee.
Draw me, we will run after thee: the king hath brought me into his chambers: we will be glad and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee.
I am black, but comely😩, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon.
Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me: my mother’s children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept.
Tell me, O thou whom my soul loveth, where thou feedest, where thou makest thy flock to rest at noon: for why should I be as one that turneth aside by the flocks of thy companions😖😓?
If thou know not, O thou fairest among women, go thy way forth by the footsteps of the flock, and feed thy kids🍕🍟 beside the shepherds’ tents.
I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh’s chariots.
10 Thy cheeks are comely😉 with rows of jewels💎💎💎, thy neck with chains of gold.
11 We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver.
12 While the king sitteth at his table🙇, my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof.
13 A bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved unto me; he shall lie all night👉👌 betwixt my breasts.
14 My beloved is unto me as a cluster of camphire in the vineyards of Engedi.
15 Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes.
16 Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green😕.
17 The beams of our house are cedar, and our rafters of fir.

I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys.

As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters😛.
As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste😋😉😆.
He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.
Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples🍎🍎: for I am sick of love😒😓.
6 ✋His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me🖐.
I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please😩.
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains✈, skipping upon the hills🚌.
My beloved is like a roe or a young hart: behold, he standeth behind our wall, he looketh forth at the windows, shewing himself through the lattice😁.
10 My beloved spake, and said unto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away😉.
11 For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone☔;
12 The flowers appear on the earth🍄; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land😐;
13 The fig tree putteth forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell😉. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.
14 O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs😕, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely.
15 Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes🍇🍆.
16 My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies🍑😉.
17 Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, turn, my beloved, and be thou like a roe or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether❤💕💖.

Good Friday

After my usual two cups of late morning coffee, I went down the street to grab an order of Huevos rancheros. As I approached a long string of people whose two leaders, a cute old couple, passed me carrying a cross. I could count all those under thirty on both hands, and I’m sure they were coerced into it because they were all texting while a couple, probably in their mid-70s, marched on in the rain. I know it’s Good Friday, but honestly what is point of carrying a cross around town with a bunch of people. If you wanna go for a walk and feel holy, march your ass down to a homeless shelter and cook some food. If you can carry a cross around, then it stands to reason you can carry a box of old cloths to people who don’t have any, or do one better and donate feminine hygiene products. Yeah, they nailed Jesus to a cross and he rose three days later, that’s not even his best miracle–compared to making wine out of water. He also killed a tree, hallucinated in a desert while he starved himself, and told everyone he’d be back before they died. Carrying a cross isn’t going to fill the pews, but helping the poor and hungry can’t hurt.

Kingdom of Heaven

I think humankind will come to point in its social evolution that will look a lot like what the Christian Bible calls the kingdom of Heaven. Does that mean the lambs will lay with the lions? No, but once we shed our egos, and things like racism, classism, our bizarre hatred for women, and all the other prejudices finally fall away, it’ll be about the same. If we can’t overcome the most trivial differences, there’s just no way we can beat something like climate change. I know what I’m saying sounds utopian, and I think most people believe it can’t be obtained, but I know it can be approached. There’s a great deal of fiction on perfect worlds gone wrong–starting with the very first story in the bible–eventually someone eats the fruit…We have a hard time simply imagining our lives without some big gaping flaw. But we are the kingdom of Heaven, and I think it’s fitting because whether we bring it here, or float up to it, I guarantee it’s a lot better than the hell waiting for this place if we can’t get our shit together.

 

Exodus 11 A Bible Errors Deluxe Edition

And Jehovah said unto Moses, Yet one plague more will I bring upon Pharaoh, and upon Egypt; afterwards he will let you go hence: when he shall let you go, he shall surely thrust you out hence altogether.

Speak now in the ears of the people, and let them ask every man of his neighbor, and every woman of her neighbor, jewels of silver, and jewels of gold [why is gold or silver needed here or at all, it has nothing to do with the story, but they need money].

And Jehovah gave the people favor in the sight of the Egyptians. Moreover the man Moses was very great in the land of Egypt, in the sight of Pharaoh’s servants, and in the sight of the people.

And Moses said, Thus saith Jehovah, About midnight will I go out into the midst of Egypt:

and all the first-born in the land of Egypt shall die, from the first-born of Pharaoh that sitteth upon his throne, even unto the first-born of the maid-servant that is behind the mill[It’s really gut-wrenching that God takes out this wrath on innocent children–from innocent people]; and all the first-born of cattle [that’s just overkill, in that I’m getting the distinct feeling God just enjoys killing].

And there shall be a great cry throughout all the land of Egypt [great achievement; way to make everyone suffer], such as there hath not been, nor shall be any more.

But against any of the children of Israel shall not a dog move his tongue, against man or beast: that ye may know how that Jehovah doth make a distinction between the Egyptians and Israel [racism and death, that explains  a lot of American history].

And all these thy servants shall come down unto me, and bow down themselves unto me, saying, Get thee out, and all the people that follow thee: and after that I will go out. And he went out from Pharaoh in hot anger.

And Jehovah said unto Moses, Pharaoh will not hearken unto you; that my wonders may be multiplied in the land of Egypt.

10 And Moses and Aaron did all these wonders before Pharaoh: and Jehovah hardened Pharaoh’s heart [that means God actually wanted the whole thing to happen so he could kill kids, and be racist], and he did not let the children of Israel go out of his land.

 

Questions Regarding the Death Penalty

  • Has the death penalty ever prevented a crime?
  • Has it ever solved a case?
  • Do we kill prisoners because they deserve it, or because it’s too expensive keep to keep them alive?
  • Is it moral to administer the death penalty knowing our justice system is clearly polluted with racism, greed, and ignorance?
  • Death is absolute, testimonies aren’t: placing hands on God’s special book, and swearing to tell the truth doesn’t mean shit because every time we recall a memory, we change it. And swearing on an inanimate object? Come on. Is that concrete enough to watch someone die over the course of half-an-hour?
  • Is a lawyer more interested in protecting the truth, or their pocketbook?

 

“I beg you, my brothers, do not act so wickedly. Behold, I have two daughters who have not known any man. Let me bring them out to you, and do to them as you please. Only do nothing to these men, for they have come under the shelter of my roof.”

  • Lot

Genesis 19:6-8

I’m thinking about starting a new category called Bible Errors. Did nobody actually take time to read the book? You can’t hold a big book club like church and not read the book it’s all based on! Share your favorite bible errors with me.

Think You Know the Ten Commandments?

Everyone knows the ten commandments, how couldn’t you? With people fighting over where they belong, arguing over separation of Church and State. I still remember Charlton Heston’s teeth from The Ten Commandments as he brought the tablets down from the mountain. Just one little problem: they’re not the real ten commandments.

Exodus 20 is where we get the ten commandments, the same ones that sit outside a courthouse, the same ones drilled into our heads from childhood. But if you actually read the whole section, Exodus 19-21 you see that Moses climbed Sinai then descended almost instantaneously because to many people where trying to approach the mountain so they could get a look at God. And God was explicitly clear on what would happen to anyone who climbed up, even priests–they’d die.

So Moses being a, voice-of-god–super climber–hauls ass down, bringing us to chapter 20, where Moses is telling Israel the commandments as we know them:

  1. Thou shalt have no other Gods before me.
  2. thous shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
  3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vein.
  4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy.
  5. Honor thy father and mother.
  6. Thou shalt not kill.
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
  8. Thou shalt not steal.
  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
  10. Thou shalt not covet.

No stone tablets are mentioned here, no golden calf, in fact God just goes on with more instructions for the people. But those weren’t as important, so only the first ten in the chapter stuck. Here’s where they’re actually mentioned in scripture, not just the chapter heading: Exodus 34–here are the real (slightly stranger) commandments, taken from the NIV:

15 “Be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land; for when they prostitute themselves to their gods and sacrifice to them, they will invite you and you will eat their sacrifices. 16 And when you choose some of their daughters as wives for your sons and those daughters prostitute themselves to their gods, they will lead your sons to do the same.
17 “Do not make any idols.”
18 “Celebrate the Festival of Unleavened Bread. For seven days eat bread made without yeast, as I commanded you. Do this at the appointed time in the month of Aviv, for in that month you came out of Egypt.”
19 “The first offspring of every womb belongs to me, including all the firstborn males of your livestock, whether from herd or flock. 20 Redeem the firstborn donkey with a lamb, but if you do not redeem it, break its neck. Redeem all your firstborn sons.”
“No one is to appear before me empty-handed.”
21 “Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest; even during the plowing season and harvest you must rest.”
22 “Celebrate the Festival of Weeks with the firstfruits of the wheat harvest, and the Festival of Ingathering at the turn of the year.[b] 23 Three times a year all your men are to appear before the Sovereign Lord, the God of Israel.” 24 “I will drive out nations before you and enlarge your territory, and no one will covet your land when you go up three times each year to appear before the Lord your God.”
25 “Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast, and do not let any of the sacrifice from the Passover Festival remain until morning.”
26 “Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the Lord your God.”
“Do not cook a young goat in its mother’s milk.”
27 Then the Lord said to Moses, “Write down these words, for in accordance with these words I have made a covenant with you and with Israel.” 28 Moses was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights without eating bread or drinking water. And he wrote on the tablets the words of the covenant—the Ten Commandments.

The real ones aren’t as moral sounding as those from chapter 20, but those are the actual commandments from the part of the story where Moses went up Sinai with stone tablets. Not as neat or relevant as the other ten, which is probably why most people don’t know them.